So as I’m gaining a bit of traction with my writing, I thought I would try to contribute to other blogs whose focus has similar elements as mine. One of those blogs is the Mothers of Preschoolers (MOPS) blog (see blog.mops.org), which I think used to be (or maybe still is) tied to the umbrella magazine title of Hello, Dearest. The MOPS blog offers a collection of honest writings from various authors and leaves you feeling, as they describe their quarterly magazine, as though you have taken a breath of fresh air while sipping on a chocolate milkshake. (Well, maybe not while because you could choke, so just and are sipping.)
I want to share with you here my first draft (which is a little too long for their submission guidelines, so I’ll have to condense it), and hopefully I’ll be able to share with you a link to the final draft if they accept it for publication on their blog.
Their theme for May is “Change,” and I selected one of the topics that they gave for article ideas (which is “three ways to know when to embrace those unflattering characteristics of who you are or when to seek out help to change them”).
I hope you like what I wrote, and I welcome your feedback.
Here is my first draft:
Grant Me the Serenity: Three Ways to Know When to Embrace Those Unflattering Characteristics of Who You Are or When to Seek Out Help to Change Them
Many of us have heard of “The Serenity Prayer,” attributed to Reinhold Neibuhr, which starts off like this: “God grant me the serenity / To accept the things I cannot change; / Courage to change the things I can; / And wisdom to know the difference.”
When it comes to raising our young children, it seems like parenting them gives us a unique opportunity to get to know the parts of ourselves that we’d rather not have to deal with. No matter how nice, funny, smart, creative, outgoing, committed, loving, spontaneous, organized, patient, or generally put-together we might be as a woman, we all have humanness in us that comes to the surface periodically as we journey the path of motherhood. Our pre-children life might have been somewhat manageable because those unflattering characteristics of ourselves (whatever they might be) only showed their heads every now and then and, therefore, we could reasonably keep up with handling our undesirable traits (similar to how it seems easy—at first—to bop those moles back into their holes when playing the game “Whack a Mole”).
But our post-children life might have brought with it some changes, including the ability to breezily keep up with self-care, soul-care, and relationship-care (all three of which we mommies need more of not less of). Any number of physical, emotional, mental, spiritual, and social issues could become a problem for us before we are ready to admit it. If we are being honest, it may feel like some days we are floundering (rather pitifully) to keep up with managing ourselves while we are doing the best we can to care well for the children entrusted to us. The moles keep popping up, and no matter how hard we try and how hard we concentrate and how hard we want it, we just can’t get them all. There are too many, and they are coming at us too fast. If this were simply a game, we could laugh it off and play another round with glee.
But since raising our children is serious stuff (yet we don’t have to be serious about it, per se), at some point it might be helpful to us (and them) if we consider the possibility that what we would rather call unflattering may in fact be a life-controlling issue that requires deliberate time and attention to overcome. What are we to do if we truly can’t keep up with regulating all part of ourselves effectively? And how do we know when we should just embrace what makes us unique individuals or when it’s time to undergo a focused kind of self-development process whereby we seek out help (whether professional or self-directed or both) to change these unfavorable things about us?
Here are three ways to know which way to go with the characteristic in question.
- Does it make your personality sparkle, or does it cause you pain (even a little)?
Our points of uniqueness are what make us us. But if something in daily living creates more chaos for us than calm, it may be time to make a change. For example, creative types are known to be messy, but if messiness is left unchecked for too long, it can turn into an anxiety-inducing environment. If your characteristic in question brings pain to your life, even in the form of chronic discomfort, it might be time to seek out help and make the adjustments necessary to live a freer kind of life.
- Does it enrich the lives of those around you, or does it hurt them (even indirectly)?
As the mothers we are, our influence is profound on our children, our partners, and the community around us. But if something in us keeps causing others to feel hurt, then we may want to examine the triggers and see what we can do about our part of the relationship equation. For instance, we may have an extraordinary ability to see things from a critical perspective, but sometimes this can morph into unnecessary discord, unreasonable irritability, and an anger-infused atmosphere. If your characteristic in question creates hurt in others, even those who happen to hear or watch what’s going on from the sidelines, then it’s worth taking the step of finding out how we can participate in the process of transforming our personal unpleasantries into powerful points of healing and recovery.
- Does it reflect positively on God and his good nature, or does it detract (even slightly so) from the Golden Rule of treating others the way you would want to be treated?
Our faith is the bedrock of all that we do, so if there’s something about our words or behavior that creates confusion about the loving God we put our trust in, we may need to consider a change in our day-to-day lifestyle choices. For example, we might enjoy knowing information about everything and everyone, but our interest in knowledge may lead to talking excessively (and/or negatively) about other people who are not in the room (otherwise known as gossiping). None of us would appreciate it if others did this to us (especially if we found out about it or overheard what was being said). So if your characteristic in question detracts from the Golden Rule of applying genuine empathy and compassion to everyday situations, even if no one else knows the extent of the detraction, then it may be a good time to look at how we can go about consciously making positive changes to the things we think, say, and do.
As “The Serenity Prayer” reminds us, it’s important to learn to accept the things that we can’t change. But if we have determined that a change is needed and that it’s in our power to make, then let us do what we need to do (even if it’s hard) to bring about the positive changes that we and our families and our communities deserve.