Count your grieving as a good sign. It means that you are in touch with the reality of things. If we don’t grieve over what we wish we had had or what we actually had at some point in the past but no longer have, then we remain in a sort of denial state where we aren’t living our real life. It is better to feel the pain related to our real life than to insulate ourselves in a fake life where we deny the hard truths. Why? Because the pain will dissipate over time if we allow ourselves to really feel it and then to deal with it (because you can’t deal with it unless you let yourself feel it). For those recovering from narcissistic abuse and other forms of personhood violations, we grieve over what could have been, what should have been, and what would have been. Somewhere in there we have to understand that our new life—our own life—starts now. And we can make this new life of our own whatever we want it to be—but only if we will let go of the old life that wasn’t really ours in the first place.